Answering the call of your Purpose with Cathy Fyffe
Full Transcript of call
Luanne : Welcome everyone! This is Luanne Mareen and welcoming you to answering the call of your Purpose series. I have a beautiful guest here, her name is Cathy Fyffe and I will introduce her shortly but I just want to go over why I am doing these series.
It says it in the title right? Answering the call of your Purpose and why would you do that. For joy, expression and all of those beautiful things. I want to also bring to you inspirational people whom I feel have answered the call of their Purpose in some shape or form and definitely I want to share their journey because it’s not always easy and it can change along the way.
I am really excited that you’re here and let’s just jump in, shall we?
Welcome Cathy! Cathy helps women tap back into the parts of themselves they have shut down,find their spark and joy, learn and apply tools and strategies which allow them to navigate life with ease and grace and find that deep sense of inner peace and happiness. And I love that you have this gift to create a safe, supportive and loving space to guide and support women to heal emotionally. She does this with deep empathy and without judgement as together they unpack why and how they got there. Cathy guides women to reconnect to the truth of who they are and uncovers the thoughts and behaviours that get in the way of them living their best life. The tools and strategies Cathy teaches along with her practical and grounded (and somewhat cheeky) approach supports women to navigate their lives and relationships, so, with deliberate intention, they create a life to love. Cathy supports women back into the driver’s seat of their own lives. So, welcome Cathy!
Cathy: Thank you Lu! It’s wonderful to be here!
Luanne: I am excited too! So, let’s just jump in. I’ve got a series of questions here to them and I love your intro there and we want to know what led you to where you are today? It’s a big question.
Cathy: Yeah it is a big question and I think that’s a question that is hard to lots of people who are on their path living their Purpose. And for so many visits come from that place of pain in ourselves. And in my case, it was very much pretty much the situation within my relationship. About 10 years ago, my husband and I were not doing so well. My hubby has a son that is 29 back then 18, and we’ve been together since his son was 5. But his son never really accepted me in his life and it just created a triangle in a relationship and over time, it just got bigger and bigger to the point where the house felt toxic when my stepson was there. My husband felt like he couldn’t take my side or his son’s side so it’s just this horrible mess and I got to the point where I felt “I just don’t think I can do this anymore” but we had two kids of our own. They were 10 and 8 at the time and despite being with them for a long time I was just like firing up “what’s going on and how do I fix this?” and through that process and also through those years, there’s this feeling that I was losing who I was because I was trying to fit into… I still get emotional about it even though I am way on the other side.
Luanne: I know, but thank you for sharing!
Cathy: But who am I now where I am trying to be the perfect wife, I am trying to be the perfect mother and trying to be the perfect stepmother and failing miserably at all three. So it’s like something’s going to change here, and I know I have given a lot of time to try to change my husband and blame him for everything that was going wrong and that was not working. And I recognized that if I wanted my life to be different, I needed to drop him and I needed to learn something new. And so that was really my sort of wake up call and the start of my journey to recognize what I was bringing to this situation and what the beliefs were that I was running, that we’re holding us back as a couple and how I grew up believing my values. All of those things were contributing to this sort of weird scenario. But also particularly with my husband really playing the blame game like it’s all his fault. If only he was small like me would be fine but of course he is not small like me! He is the complete opposite of me which is part of why I was so attracted to him because I wanted what he had because I didn’t have that. So that led me on that journey to really unpack and discover my truth and in doing so, it completely transformed our relationship without him really having to do a lot of the work. I have done the work and what happened is me showing up differently and bringing a different energy and no longer making him wrong for the truth of who he is and starting to focus on the things that I loved about him… all of those things. Just complete transformation of myself and our relationship and obviously of our whole family and so through that journey and all that I learned and I recognized that there are so many women like me in that situation. And just knowing that emotional pain is so bloody hard and that we need to find a way through and it’s so hard to do that yourself.
There are so many self help books and podcasts and all have great information but it is so hit and miss. And what happens is we learned something, we apply through a few days or weeks and it all fades away. It took me probably five or six years to get all of what I needed to get the full preacher, working with multiple people until I finally got right. That’s it! I worked in someone else’s coaching business for many years who was brilliant and learnt so much from her but then I realized or actually came to the cross roads which is why I came to see you. Will I want to keep doing this or will I walk away? And I thought, this is where the Purpose comes in, I couldn’t walk away.
Luanne: Oh yes so this is where I answer the question how did you answer the call of your Purpose. And this is where you just say “I just can’t walk away” right?
Cathy: Yes, I was expecting because I am working on someone else’s business and I’ve done that for six years, part of me staying there is that I didn’t want to have to run my own business. I didn’t want to have to learn all of that, I just wanted to share what I’d learn and to help transform other women’s lives but it’s very hard to turn your back on it.
Luanne: What happened Cathy when you tried? As I think that’s really important as for myself
Cathy: Yes so no offense for a while about will I start my own business or can I just help people on the side just out of love? And because I know my own value, one of those is freedom. I didn’t want to go and “get a job” and I also knew that there are people that I could serve.
Luanne: Let me just come in there because what I see and this is where I just love the work that you do, and definitely you know I had a stepson before and it’s really challenging and the relationship is like 50% and all that kind of stuff. But what I loved about you is that you actually get us to take responsibility for creating our own life and it’s not the blame and I’ve certainly done that in the previous marriage and they didn’t last and that’s okay.
I am thinking, well maybe if there’s something here and there’s no regret there but it’s like I didn’t seek any of it around it that time so you’ve got this really special way of working with women and I am not talking about abuse and all that kind of thing in the relationship but like yeah let’s just look at ourselves here and you said something about “I changed me” and I actually got goosebumps when you said that because there’s a whole vibration and they cannot pick that up and kind of look at things and I just wanted to say that.
So what do you feel is your life Purpose?
Cathy : I think my Purpose is to actually be that guide who loves women in that situation, to actually let women know that it’s not a choice if I stay. I just have to stay in this mess. I don’t have to just keep sucking up the unsatisfactory relationship but feeling like I am alone in it. I don’t just have to, like if I stay because so many women want to stay for their kids, they want to hold on to that family and the security that comes with being part of the family… all of that is a powerful reason for people wanting to stay but what they think staying means is still having a shit life and that’s not the choice. It’s not staying unhappy going all the financial cost, the emotional cost but it’s about I could stay but I can work on me and in doing so, completely shift things around.
I have women in my program who came in like she had been in her head for three years about whether to stay or go. Had not even had a conversation with her husband but had been progressively pulling back. So there was no intimacy, she stopped talking to him about anything like they were just “roommates”. So many couples are. Six months later, she cannot believe the difference in their relationship and what she’s got present to is how much of what was going on has actually come from her. We think it’s the situation and we think it’s them but it’s actually not. I mean yes, that plays a part.
Luanne: They are the mirror. You figured all these things for you to work through in some shape or form and you can even go and run, or you can stay and try to sort things at all.
Cathy : Yes that is exactly right and she recognized a lot of the beliefs that she bought from her childhood, from her family experience and the expectation she was bringing to her marriage. Then when they weren’t being met she said “he’s no good, he’s not for me and he doesn’t get me” but how can he get her when she didn’t even share any of herself with him? And shutting down, where does our partner go in that?
Luanne: Do you find that a lot of your clients have that shade? Is that a woman instinct? Do we expect them to read our mind?
Cathy : Well, if you love to meet then you should just know. And always say I tried to tell him how I feel and he doesn’t get it so I stopped talking. One of the things that I worked with is we do a lot about communication. Most of my work is around the individual and really knowing what my instinct is and getting present to the sabotaging behaviours that we all have. Knowing our own values but particularly knowing our patterns of communication and the stories running that because we are just playing out the same stuff over and over again and until we bring some awareness and some new understanding to that, we don’t know that there is another way.
I teach women to look at what does it take for successful communication. What are the barriers that get in the way and what are your patterns in that. So my partner and I, we can go ten days without speaking to each other because we both thought that the other person was wrong and they should be the one who step forward to reconnect. We learned that vulnerability is actually the way through from disconnection to connection. It takes somebody’s willingness to be vulnerable but we don’t want to play it that level. We are thinking about protecting our own hearts that that is what’s good for us but all that does is keep us disconnected and we keep playing and arguing at the circus level instead of getting to what’s really at the heart of what is going on. So, I teach those women how to have those difficult conversations. That if we don’t have, the stuff doesn’t get resolved. It just stays in the space between us. That’s the goal and that’s where they transform themselves first and then they learn how to actually bring this back into the relationship and show up and really hearts ended way because they know what makes them tick and it can understand their own especially around the call limiting belief that can understand the role that’s being playing in their life and particularly in the relationship and so I can come in and go “sweetheart, I know that it’s not all you. It is this stuff that I have been doing and I’ve been learning that this is my pattern and I am sorry I put it all on you” and the guy then go “Oh wow, she’s not just angry at me and no matter what I do it’s never the right thing” so he stops trying as well because he can never win and it just starts a new dynamic.
And then she says “I don’t have all the answers and I am still working it out. I want to go on a journey with you, I want to bring you along with you” and the guy just goes “Oh okay” they want to sort it out as well!
Luanne: Exactly! Because we are always, we are all going with the messy of feminine but it’s just quite simple and about this vulnerable thing, you just makes me squirm and as you’re saying that, I know that it’s my own patterns and one of my patterns is Ms. Independent and I know where you come through, it’s probably where you go. Where did it start? Well, my parents, you have to blame them and they did what they knew then. I am just copying the same patterns and it’s probably a good time to change that belief. It’s not serving me and you just go on a relationship to another relationship and you haven’t cleared that.
And the other thing Cathy I think too is we need families to stay together. I just realized that it’s so easy for us to just leave. It really takes a lot to stay and work at your own stuff so that you can stay together and that’s beautiful.
So what has been your favourite techniques or strategies or tools? I know you love values but it may not be what we are talking about today but what is in your tool kit?
Cathy : I think the biggest shift comes when people get present to that little voice inside their head or that call limiting belief. We all have this and most personal development speak is “oh we can just clear those beliefs and we’ll be fine” I actually think that is BS. So we can clear some stuff for example my call limiting belief is “I don’t matter” . I grew up as one of the living children and you can imagine that in that environment I might grow up thinking I don’t matter. The distinction is none of us have this as a conscious awareness usually but how it would show up in a simple example is if you go up for dinner with your girlfriend and you’re all sitting around having a chat about what’s going on in your life, other women will talk about 10-15 minutes about what’s going on with them and I am happy to listen and I’d love to listen and I am interested and I love these girls and get to my turn and I’d speak for like a minute or minute and a half and what’s driving that is that because “I don’t matter” why would anybody listen to me? I don’t want to take up too much air time. That’s just a really simple example but that’s where that behaviour comes from. But unless you’ve got some awareness with that, you don’t know what the impact that little limiting belief you have about yourself is having.
I have got two women in my program who’s limiting belief is “I am not smart” so they haven’t done any study. They have the thirds to their partners their whole life because they are running this story and it did come back to childhood. And they go “actually I am smart” by showing it everyday and all of these stuff but because this little voice is saying “I am not smart” the choices they made over their life have been limited by that and it get present to the role of that in their life and they can actually turn towards that and they go “Is that actually true? It’s not” and so I can make different choices moving forward because I now got awareness. It very deepening grain in us but once we got awareness we can list then, catch the belief or the thought and we can then circle back and go “oh that’s why I did that” so if I crack this shit with my husband or I get up with something, I’ll go “hang on, did my belief that I don’t matter play a role in this situation?” Yes it did. So what is the impact of this belief and what does it want me to learn? Then I can say, “Sorry guys, I lost it there” . I meant much worse than it was because I was running this story. That’s the single piece for everybody in my view, that makes the biggest difference.
Luanne: I so agree with you and I know it is not about hand analysis but it does show up in your hands and mine, it’s guilt or power or obviously the shrinker. It’s like nothing I say matters but it’s like one of those “oh you can’t be powerful and just stay small” that’s the same thing. I wasn’t aware of that before but now I can do the opposite. I can show up and be powerful but it does, it always comes up and says but now you have conscious and how interesting. I just put back before I did the self development and all the things that happen. You had the good and bad along the way but you defaulted and I loved it when you brought that up.
I wanted to ask you, who’s been your favourite person that you’ve worked with and why?
Cathy : I actually got so many and I just found my students that I just built a beautiful relationship with them and the ones I love are the ones that keep showing up and that I am prepared to be vulnerable. That’s where the gold is. If we are not, it’s the people that are brave enough to look at their own stuff. As we go through our life, the only constant is us. Wherever we go, I am always there. And until we’re ready to turn towards ourselves and go “oh okay, what’s actually going on with you?” I want to understand what makes you tick. I want to understand why this happens to you when you don’t get fit? Why do you allow people to treat you like a doormat? Until we understand ourselves, we don’t have any capacity to change. The work I do is about creating a life and a relationship you love. Only do that when you know who you are, what you want, what you stand for and love and accept all of who you are, as you are in that perfect imperfection of being a human being.
Luanne : And that’s your Purpose! You just give me absolute goosebumps and that vulnerability. And again, I want to bring up these interesting times where we’re both in Melbourne and shut down and I want to ask you this because on the news there have been so many people who are filing for divorce and wanting to separate which is a good thing because they can’t go anywhere so what do you feel that’s about?
Cathy : Look I think these times push us together in the way where all the issues if they are there, come up that way more than they would have otherwise so what happens is, we can survive. Like I talked about it being “hiding in busy”, we all have really busy lives and are busy ignoring the shit that is going on in our marriages, in our hearts and we can just put it to the side and we just keep going. Being in lockdown, there is no way to hide, there’s nothing going on, we are just left with ourselves and this person who is pushing our buttons and we don’t have the tools to actually go “hang on a minute, what’s going on here and we will sort it out” and I think that’s what is happening and there’s no release felt. You can’t go on a heart to heart date with your girlfriends or get that support that you need and it’s just highlighting any cracks that are already widening and people are not equipped with the tools to deal.
Luanne : Obviously this is why I love all the work that you do online so people can reach out and get that support. If they know it’s there but also if they’re ready to get that support? You can’t lead them towards it, you can’t make them drink from it but obviously things are happening right now and so this is why everybody and for me it is important to answer the call of your Purpose and express it. That’s what I feel you are doing and you really have a beautiful work.
So I want to ask you, was there anything you asked that you want to add in here? I’d love you to share where we can find you and I know you’ve got a freebie offer for us.
Cathy : So I think the main thing that I wanted to share is for me, that’s what actually our journey in life is about – is actually to know and understand ourselves and if we’re looking to feel contented and fulfilled, we only tend wherever you get to that stage is when we’re content on the inside and that’s not going to come from anything external. I think at some point, most people will come to this work because it’s the only path to true happiness or to true inner peace but you have to be ready to take that step and ready to take responsibility for your own life. Once you do, you can create anything because you know and you’re confident in who you are and you make choices and alignment with that and you just get to show up as all your beautiful self. I absolutely love that!
In terms of my freebie, what I have to share to everybody is I have a 45-minute free Masterclass which is called “How To Rediscover You,Regain Your Spark and Zest for Life, and Create a Life and Relationship You Love”. So there’s very practical, easily implementable stuff that you can do to shift your life right away and your relationship straight away so I love anybody who is interested and wanting to make that change for themselves to actually check that out and you can find the link to that on my website which is http://cathyfyffe.com/ and also a little E-Book freebie “The 10 Keys to Happiness” because that’s the thing that you said like “Oh I want to be happy”. What does happy mean? But there is research now that actually outlined exactly what it takes to be happy so a little ebook that brings all that together for people that might be interested in that as well.
Luanne : Perfect! So please go over to her website and get the masterclass, get the free ebook. It’s been so much fun having you here, Cathy. And to me it’s like everytime I speak to you, I have goosebumps the whole way through but I think you’re the perfect example of the person who has answered the call of their Purpose and the way you express it and it changes all the time! And I just love that there were some new things you share because I learned something every time and thank you so much!
Cathy : Thank you Lu and it’s been a pleasure chatting with you as always and for anybody who wanted to find their Purpose, Lue is actually the person who can help you get that sorted!
Luanne : Thank you so much! Alright everyone, we’ll see you in the next interview. Bye for now.
Cathy : Bye Luanne!
Grab Cathy’s free gift here: